To help you through the inexorable wait for UNDERCLASS Issue 3, here is one of the articles from issue 2 with a bonus stupid buzzfeed type title added. If any agents/mad film stars out there want to develop one of these, please get in touch with our legal dept.
Behold: The best sequels that we will never see (one of which is actually real*).
#1: Withnail & Us
It is 1980. Recently divorced West End star Marwood gets an offer to star in a big hollywood film, but is also awarded custody of his 4 unruly and wild children. Unable to find a nanny willing to take on the task of dealing with the kids while he is away, fate intervenes when his old friend and washed up actor Withnail turns up at one of his shows begging for work…
#2: The Next Schindler’s List
Tortured by dreams of those he was unable to save, an aged Oskar Schindler, makes a new list – of Nazis. Using all of his old black market contacts and shady connections, Schindler tracks down surviving members of the Third Reich and takes them out one by one. The project eventually fell apart due to funding issues but Spielberg went on to make the thematically similar Munich, while Neeson had the script re-tuned by Luc Besson, leading to the Taken trilogy.
#3: Gladiator 2: Christ Killer
Russell Crowe and Ridley Scott commissioned a script from Nick Cave which saw Maximus raised from the dead to become a kind of eternal warrior figure. First leading the Christians against the Roman before cropping up in Medieval times, the Vietnam war and eventually the Pentagon war room. Considered too mad for the mainstream, the script became an italicised internet cause celebre.
#4: Requiem: Deliverance 2
Some years later back in Atlanta, a serial killer is stalking visitors to the Chattahoochee River Park. Lewis phones Ed with evidence that the killer is in fact Bobby, suffering at the hands of a split personality disorder and having taken on the characteristics of the Mountain Men who brutalised him. They engage in a cat and mouse pursuit of their former friend, an experience from which none of them will escape unharmed.
#5: Big Mac & Me
The corporate producers of the extended Macdonalds advert ‘Mac & Me’ were so sure that they had a hit on their hands that they paid Lawrence Kasdan a small fortune to write an outline for a whole series of Mac movies. The first sequel ‘Big Mac & Me’, would see Eric and Mac going to college together and thwarting a dastardly plot to by the evil ‘FKC corporation’ to close down a children’s hospital in order to use the land for a giant factory farm.
#6: Cobra & Son
In this early 90’s script, brutal cop Cobretti, finds out that he has a 12 year old son as the result of a one night stand with a stripper in his early days on the force. After the stripper is killed in bizarre ritual by a gang of neo-illuminati biker punks, Cobra is reluctantly awarded custody of the kid. After a difficult start, father and son develop a grudging bond, cemented by taking violent revenge against the gang leader. The project was abandoned when it transpired that Chuck Norris’ Sidekicks and Burt Reynolds’ Cop and a Half were also in production.
#7: Top Gun 2
Now an instructor at the famed Top Gun academy, ‘Maverick’ Pete Mitchell is a bitter alcoholic, driven to the drink by post-traumatic stress and the tension of living in denial of his true sexuality. Driven to distraction by brilliant, yet beguiling young pilot Jed ‘Turbo’ Longhorn, Maverick’s world is thrown into disarray when war breaks out with North Korea and he must team up with Longhorn to lead a crucial mission into unknown territory.
Worshipped as a living god by the followers of John Doe, the disturbed and twisted former detective David Mills publishes a new set of eight coded commandments intended to bring about the end of of society. Crippled by old age and confined to a wheelchair, Detective Somerset must help a rookie cop decipher Mill’s plan as chaotic and horrific acts of terrorism rip the city apart.
#9: Jeffrey Lebowski
Despite Maude Lebowski’s wishes, the Dude decided that he didn’t just want to be the anonymous sperm donor for their son. Following the events of the first film, the Dude gave up bowling, started running and used the money from the sale of his rug to fund a new brand of ready-mixed ‘Jeff’s White Russians’. On the eve of a crucial IPO for his company and a watershed moment in the court battle for access to his son, he is visited by the ghost of Donny. The apparition tells him that he must travel to Japan to save Walter from the clutches of a doomsday cult, The Starshine Collective, who have based their religion on a series of pulp novels written by the now re-incarcerated Jesus Quintana.
#10: Mr Pink’s Wild Ride
Uptight career criminal, Mr Pink, the only survivor of the diamond heist in Reservoir Dogs is the protagonist of this Tarantino script which runs a bloody thread through his alternate cinematic universe. After fencing a suitcase full of diamonds to associates of Marcellus Wallace, he heads south of the border. Rescued from certain death at The Titty Twister by Clarence and Alabama Worley, he joins their family on a chaotic search for the fabled resting place of Aldo ‘The Apache’ Raine and his priceless bowie knife.
*Yep Gladiator 2 Christ Killer is the real one, you can read the script here.