LUC Briefing 011: War

“This is the problem with civilians wanting to go to war. Once you’ve been there, once you’ve seen it, you never want to go again unless you absolutely fucking have to. It’s like France.”

-General Miller
In The Loop

The next LUC Briefing will be on the subject of: Art

i. Just War

An LUC favourite, this old soviet anti-war film – cut to Just War from the album Dark Night Of The Soul. Brilliantly renders the pointlessness of nuclear conflict in three minutes and 45 stylish seconds.

ii. How Docklands Became Vietnam For Full Metal Jacket

From the venerable Barry Norman on Film ‘87:

“It’s a derelict old gasworks in Beckton, not Vietman exactly but the next best thing for a movie director who doesn’t like to fly”

iii. The Main Casualty of The Thin Red Line Was Adrien Brody

Enjoy a bunch of actors chuckling about how Brody thought he was the lead in Terence Malick’s Pacific war epic, right up until the premiere of the film – that he was mostly cut out of.

iv. The Messy Death Of Hungry Joe

In 1970, a world before CGI, just how do you convincingly show a man being bisected by a low flying aircraft?

“The popular scene of Hungry Joe being cut in two by the airplane and falling into the water was done in two steps. (1) A plane runs into a breakaway dummy that was rigged to spray blood. After a cutaway, the second shot shows an actor or stuntman in front of the sky, holding a mirror in front of him angled to reflect more sky to match what is in back of him, making the top part of his body disappear. He then falls backward into the water making the trick become visible to the camera.”

v. All the people using The Battle Of Algiers as a training aid are probably missing the point

From an article on the Carnegie Council website:

“The Battle of Algiers was based on the memoirs of Saadi Yacef, one of the leaders of the FLN, who also starred in the film as a character modeled off his real-life role in the opposition movement. The film was banned in France for five years after its release.

Yet others hailed The Battle of Algiers, not only as a work of art, but as a model for both insurgency and counterinsurgency tactics, including the use of torture. The film has been used to train members of the Black Panthers and Argentine intelligence units. It has been speculated that Palestinian terror groups and al Qaeda may also use Pontecorvo’s film as a guide.

In 2003, The Battle of Algiers was screened at the Pentagon in order to offer some insight into the challenges surrounding the U.S. occupation of Iraq.”


vi. Did Bill Clinton pull a ‘Wag The Dog’?

From an article via CNN:

“In the movie, the president’s handlers invent a war to distract public attention from his sexual transgressions. In real life, was the Clinton administration doing something similar?

Cynical in the extreme, that was a question that some residents of the New York region could not avoid asking themselves Thursday. And it seemed to reflect not only the bizarre parallels between fiction and fact, but also the profound distrust that some Americans have begun to harbor toward a president who acknowledged misleading the public.”


vii. The Fallen Of World War 2

Sobering and stunning use of data and animation to illustrate the horror of the mind melting horror of the second world war.

viii. Rik Mayall’s SAS try to prevent World War 3

In the marvellously unsubtle Whoops Apocalypse, the world is heading towards nuclear combat due to an escalating conflict over a disputed British territory in central America (wonder where they got that idea?).

For reasons that are too confusing to go into, the SAS must rescue a british princess from Madam Tussauds – cue lots of mindless violence and swearing. Key Quote:

“No you can’t bring the fucking tiger, Donald. It’s more trouble than it’s worth”


LUC Briefing 009: Animals

“Animals give me more pleasure through the viewfinder of a camera than they ever did in the crosshairs of a gunsight.”
– James Stewart

“Animals have never betrayed me. They are an easy prey, as I have been throughout my career. So we feel the same. I love them.”
– Brigitte Bardot

“Do you know what I love about hunting? That I am no one in the woods, no one at all. I thought the animals might recognise me, but they didn’t. They did not even ask me for any autographs.”
-Zlatan Ibrahimovic

The next LUC Briefing will be on the subject of: Cities

i. Pound

Source of one of LUC’s favourite pieces of music (as playing in the video below), Pound is a film from 1970 about dogs waiting to be put down. The twist being that the dogs are all played by human actors, including the director’s son, one Robert Downey Jr…


ii. All the stop motion creatures from the world of Steve Zissou

Eschewing bland-looking CGI imagery, Wes Anderson commissioned stop motion genius Henry Selick to make all the fantastical creatures for The Life Aquatic, here is a video summary…


iii. Roar – The most dangerous movie ever made

From an article on IndieWire:

“Some of the injuries sustained in the course of production: cinematographer Jan de Bont was scalped, requiring 220 stitches; Griffith was mauled by a lion, which required facial reconstructive surgery; an A.D. narrowly escaped death when a lion missed his jugular by an inch; Hedren, who was also attacked by birds on the set of “The Birds,” endured a fractured leg and multiple scalp wounds; and Marshall himself was wounded so many times that he was hospitalized with gangrene.”

iv. Bronholme The Leamington Underhamster


The bunker’s latest recruit, in addition to being a syrian refugee is also a liviing homage to *that* amazing scene in the 1988 film Taffin. For full context please consult this excerpt from Adam & Joe

v. The Monkey In The Order Of The Black Eagle

An outrageously terrible and terribly watchable spy/action flick from 1987, The Order Of The Black Eagle compresses every James Bond trope into a cinematic meat grinder and then squeezes out the kind of film sausage that you know you shouldn’t really be consuming.  Giving probably the most restrained and believable performance of the whole cast, Boon The Baboon is a dapper primate, equally at home in a dinner jacket or driving his own Baboon sized tank. Mostly though he makes a sort of ‘up yours’ gesture at regular intervals.

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Full film:

vi. Eating a live octopus for Oldboy

From an AV Club article full of examples of how the film industry has violently messed with animals over the years, for the sake of our entertainment.

“There’s no CGI or fakery involved—getting that shot meant the actor had to eat four live octopuses in a row. It was a problematic requirement for Choi, a practicing Buddhist; he explained in interviews that he had to pray for each octopus, and in the behind-the-scenes video below, he apologizes to one of them before a take. It’s a kind sentiment, but still a horrible way to die.”


vii. Thomas Edison – What A Jerk

To win arguments about the benefits of Direct Current vs Alternating Current, Thomas Edison would electrocute just about any animal he could get his hands on, then film it, then charge people to watch the film. Suddenly Zack Snyder doesn’t seem so bad. This short film outlines his general arseholery on the matter…

viii. Some cute pandas playing on a slide

In contrast to the barbaric treatment that the film industry has dished out to animals in the past, new media seems intent on celebrating the more endearing attributes of our four legged friends. Indeed cute animal videos are beginning to endanger pornography’s reign as the main purpose for the world wide web. Using precise scientific methods we have determined that this is probably the best example.

LUC Briefing 008: Music

“A film is – or should be – more like music than fiction”
-Stanley Kubrick

The next LUC Briefing will be on the subject of: Animals


i. The Long Goodbye

In a move that is either an inspired piece of cinematic brilliance, or time-saving laziness, the score for Robert Altman’s 1973 film of The Long Goodbye consists of just one song, played in many different styles throughout the film. John Williams arranged all manner of variations, from jazzy efforts, to crazy mariachi music, although as it was the early 70’s there is no dubstep remix. You can get the idea from this montage

ii. Rappin’ For Jesus

Considering all the wild, wonderful and dubious things that LUC has ever shown, it says something that nothing has ever elicited a reaction nearly as shocking as this music video produced by a church outreach programme. There is no way of understanding the thought processes behind this – just make sure that you are not eating or drinking around the 35 second mark. Trigger Warning: Potentially lethal levels of awkwardness.

iii. Jazz As Visual Language

jvl.jpgLeamington Spa’s very own Nicolas Pillai has just launched a book about Jazz as seen through the filter of cinema and TV. You can get it straight to your Kindle from Amazon right now, or for more info check out this interview with London Jazz News…

“Simply put, this is a book about how jazz has been mediated through film and television. We often ask ourselves, what is jazz? This is a question reflected by these film and television representations. Through image composition and editing, they present that question in visual terms: what is jazz? How has its meaning changed over the decades? What is its significance to the people who play it, who finance it, who listen to it or dance to it?”


iv. Just by Radiohead is probably the best music video ever

I know OK GO have made all those incredibly clever and entertaining videos and that R Kelly produced the demented disasterpiece that is Trapped In the Closet, but for LUC’s money the apex of the short form musical video is Jamie Thrave’s film for Radiohead’s 1995 release ‘Just’. Watch and enjoy.

v. Drinkenstein

Did you know that Sylvester Stallone and Dolly Parton once made a country and western musical together? If not it may be because the UN convention on human rights was used to cover it up.

The film in question, Rhinestone, features Parton teaching Stallone to be a country singing sensation as part of a bet with her sleazy manager over whether she will sleep with him. Yes, I know, the drugs in the 80’s must have been amazing. You may study this clip and assume that Stallone was labouring under some kind of contractual obligation, apparently not as he is credited as co-writing the script.

vi. The Time That Steven Seagal Played The Blues At Warwick University

There is not much to add to this, except that his band is called ‘Thunderbox’

vii. The Importance Of Music in Cinema

There is probably no better illustration of the effect of music on the experience of cinema than watching the lat few minutes of Star Wars without the stirring orchestral send off.

viii. Searching For The Brown Note

From an article on

“There are dozens of YouTube videos claiming to be the real brown note, mostly with comments saying they don’t work – but occasionally the odd positive response turns up among the “South Park brought me here” messages. Commenters in these instances claim the noise cured their constipation, or that the brown note caught them by surprise and really worked, but were these historically trustful anonymous YouTube trolls telling the truth?”



LUC Briefing 007: Monsters

My mommy always said there were no monsters – no real ones – but there are.

Yes, there are, aren’t there?

Why do they tell little kids that?

Most of the time it’s true.

The next LUC Briefing will be on the subject of: Music


i. Kim Jong Il’s Monster Movie

From an article on Vanity Fair:

“There were thousands dying in North Korea,” Fischer wrote via e-mail, “but at the same time here comes Kim Jong Il, and his idea of advancing the regime’’s purposes is to kidnap two South Korean filmmakers, trick some Japanese film crew members, drown them all in gifts and luxury, to play with rubber monster suits and make a Godzilla rip-off.”



ii. Operating Jabba The Hutt

According to the marvellous short documentary “Slimy Piece of Worm-Ridden Filth – Life Inside Jabba the Hutt”, being one of the several puppeteers who operated Jabba The Hutt in Return Of The Jedi was even less fun than you may have imagined it would be…

iii. King Kong Lives (With a Computerised Heart)

Plot synopsis from Wikipedia of the 1986 sequel to the lamentable 1976 version of King Kong:

220px-Kingkonglives.jpg“King Kong, after being shot down from the World Trade Center, is kept alive in a coma for about 10 years at the Atlanta Institute, under the care of surgeon Dr. Amy Franklin (Linda Hamilton). In order to save Kong’s life, Dr. Franklin must perform a heart transplant and give Kong a computer-monitored artificial heart. However, he lost so much blood that a transfusion is badly needed, and to complicate matters, Franklin says there is no species of ape or other animal whose blood type matches Kong’s. Enter adventurer, and eventual love interest, Hank “Mitch” Mitchell (Brian Kerwin), who goes to Borneo (Mitchell theorizes that Borneo and the island from the first movie were once part of the same landmass) and captures a giant female gorilla who is dubbed “Lady Kong.” Mitchell brings her to the Institute so her blood can be used for King Kong’s operation. The transfusion and the heart transplant are a success, but Kong escapes along with Lady Kong.”

If you really want to, you can watch the trailer here:

iv. The Gingerdead Man

Is anyone genuinely surprised that when it came to casting a psychotic, murdering cake monster, the producers turned to Gary Busey?

v. Zombie Movies Are a Metaphor for the State of Society

Monstrous creatures and characters can often be explained as metaphors for exploring the worries and concerns of the author or filmmaker that created them.

Vampires are all about sex, alien invasions stories are often grounded in xenophobia and racism and the monsters in Troll 2 are literally an embodiment of the evils of vegetarianism.

Zombies seem to be more of a (slowly) moving target. Previously used as a critique of our blind consumerist nature, Zombie movies have changed since the turn of the millennium to express more contemporary fears and anxieties. All is explained in this article on Wired:

“This continues a long and distinguished history of zombie themes standing in for au courant topics like slave rebellion, communism, über-capitalism, technophobia, and globalization. However, how zombie tales—and their fans—deal with these issues has proven as problematic as, well, the problems themselves.”


vi. Werner Herzog vs The Loch Ness Monster

Expressed as an equation:

Incident At Loch Ness = (Exit Trough The Gift Shop + Jaws) x (Grizzly Man / The Blair Witch Project)

Incident at Loch Ness film crew.jpg


vii. Godzilla & Godzooky

Producer Joseph Barbera putting a brave face on things:

“The problem with the show was simply this: When they start telling you in Standards and Practices, ‘Don’t shoot any flame at anybody, don’t step on any buildings or cars,’ then pretty soon, they’ve taken away all the stuff he represents. That became the problem, to maintain a feeling of Godzilla and at the same time cut down everything that he did. We managed to get a fair show out of it. It was OK. Godzooky kind of got the kids going.”

viii. The Patterson Bigfoot Film Stabilised

Someone has spent ages stabilising the famous bigfoot home movie footage – but conjecture as to whether it is real or not still continues…

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Article with videos at:

LUC Briefing 006: Fashion

Despite what the denizens of our underground lair may think, LUC is an organisation that always has one eye on the considerations of fashion.

Our standard issue boiler suit went through over forty iterations until we found just the right shade of dark blue to engender a tone of kineticism and artistry as well as being able to absorb a reasonable amount of of blood or oil before the stains become too unsightly. Fashionable design is at its strongest when form follows function, which is why our standard staff haircut is a number 4 clipper all over – classic, timeless and extremely unlikely to get caught in any exposed machinery.

The next LUC Briefing will be on the subject of: Monsters

i. John Malkovich – Fashion Designer

Get saving up if you want to dress like someone from inside John Malkovich’s head.
“THERE’S ALWAYS GRATIFICATION IN SELF-EXPRESSION”, quoth JM in stylish capital letters on his web site. I wonder if he’d let us open a stockist fifty feet below Leamington Spa?

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ii. Gaultier and The Fifth Element

From an article on Girls Do Film:

“Gaultier did more than a thousand costumes… So a thousand costumes is like 10 collections but all for one movie. It’s an incredible amount of work people don’t even know about. For a thousand costumes, he may have even done 5,000 sketches before narrowing it down”

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iii. A List Of Sewing Machines Featuring in Movies

From what is possibly a Singer 15-91 in Five Easy Pieces to the Florence Treadle in The Picture Of Dorian Grey, this list will satisfy all of your ‘what kind of sewing machine is that?’ needs during film viewing.


iv. Knock Off

A rip-roaring, enjoyably atrocious action flick from 1998, Knock Off features Jean Claude Van Damme as a salesman for a fashionable brand of Jeans. These particular Jeans appear to be counterfeit, as well as containing highly explosive rivets. In many ways an astute satire of the fashion world, as well as being the sort of film that features a man being shot by a missile at close range.

Also worth noting, the theme tune by Sparks is especially bewildering and has the air of a contractual obligation.

v. Become a Costume Designer in Just 9 Easy Steps

You might have thought that becoming a costume designer would take years of hard work, long hours and sacrifice to make it in such a highly competitive and cut-throat industry.

Apparently not.

Just follow these helpfully illustrated steps and pretty soon you’ll be costuming theatre and film productions the world over.

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vi. Pret a Porter – The Fashion World Satire That Virtually Everyone Hated

“Can you tell me what’s goin’ on on this planet? This is fuckin’ fruitcake time. I mean, is that fashion? Is it? I mean, is there a message out there? I mean, you got a lot of naked people wanderin’ around here. I mean, I been forever trying to find out what this bullshit is all about, and you know what? You know what? I have had it. I have had it.”

vii. The Rise and Fall of the Tron Guy

tron guyProbably the most famous clothing designer of the modern era, Jay Maynard aka The Tron Guy achieved a level of fame and recognition that most fashion designers can only dream of. After publishing an exhaustive, almost forensic, description of how to make a near-flawless Tron Costume, Maynard appeared all over the internet and TV, before possibly getting a bit big for his glowing neon boots. He was barred from appearing in costume at a screening of the 2010 Tron sequel and booed off a TV talent show. But hey, let’s remember the good times.


viii. Just How Do Movies Influence the World of Fashion?

From an article on that could fit very nicely into Private Eye’s Pseuds Corner:

“His movies are like those vivid dreams we all have and don’t quite understand but can’t wait to tell everyone about the next day — similar, in fact, to Prada’s fall 2013 show, with its cryptic set and eerie score that oozed mystery.”



LUC Briefing 005: Money

“Money Is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons”

– Woody Allen

“You gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women. ”

– Tony Montana, Scarface

“I’m living in America, and in America, you’re on your own. America’s not a country. It’s just a business. Now fucking pay me.”

– Jackie Cogan, Killing Them Softly
The next LUC Briefing will be on the subject of… Fashion


i. The Queen Of Versailles

A bizarrely fascinating documentary about the family of an unpleasant timeshare billionaire who have hit (relatively) hard times. Can loads of money make you happy? Apparently not.

ii. Margot Robbie’s Unfortunate Paper Cuts

From an article on The Daily Beast

“If anyone is ever planning on having sex on top of a pile of cash: don’t. Or maybe real money is a bit softer”


iii. Do Tax Breaks Lead to Deliberately Bad films?

The whole sorry tale of Uwe Boll, his terrible, terrible video game adaptations and the complexities of German tax write-offs is akin to The Producers, but with all the jokes taken out and replaced by evasive accounting practices. There is still an annoying, dictatorial figure involved though.



iv. Maths and the Weight of Money Ruin the Plausibility of Fast Five

From an article on

“In other words, after 15 seconds of acceleration, the pair would be dragging the vault at only 2.3 miles per hour. According to a quick mental calculation, 2.3 mph < 50 mph. By a lot.”
fats 5 phsics


v. The severe cost of Hollywood Film Production

One of the most illuminating things about this breakdown of what it cost to produce the 2014 version of Annie isn’t the $11 million tax break or Cameron Diaz’s $7.5 million fee – what caught my attention was that the titles cost $101,500. I’d have done it for half that…


vi. Remember when The KLF Burnt A Million Pounds?

It seems almost quaint now, but the pop charts used to be home to the sort of mad situationist art terrorists who would quite happily troop off to a remote Scottish island and film themselves burning a million quid. It seems unlikely that Ed Sheeran will be doing something like this any time soon.

vii. Trying To Make Your Millions On Youtube Sounds Like No Fun At All

From an article on Cracked:

“There’s practically no difference between being an up-and-coming ‘tuber and a disaffected middle-of-the-rung ‘tuber. You’re producing the types of content that get good numbers, but from a corporate perspective, you’re too small to justify sponsorship. You’re in the same financial position as before, but with the added complication that your decent-sized following now recognizes you and judges your every twitch.”


viii. The Money Gun

Too lazy or too cool to throw your money at people manually? There’s a solution for that. Just think of the time this could have saved the Bullingdon club back in the day. Also a sensitive and playful foreplay accoutrement – what woman wouldn’t like to be treated like a stripper by a man with a toy gun?

money gun


LUC Briefing 004: Conspiracy

As a shadowy, sinister, manipulative, not entirely credible organisation run by a cabal of mysterious figures, LUC has been dismayed to see how our conspiracy based operating model has been copied by an increasing number of governments without any credit being thrown our way at all.

Indeed now that the US is playing out a bizarre real life version of the Manchurian Candidate, it seems as good a time as any to look at the impact of conspiracy theories upon movies and also how the world of cinema is entwined with the murky world of conspiracy itself.

Please ensure your phone is in a Faraday cage and your tinfoil hat is firmly in place before proceeding any further.

The next LUC briefing will be on the subject of: Money

i. Randy Quaid’s Star Whackers

You may well be aware of actor Randy Quaid’s flight from the US to Canada to escape the ‘Star Whackers’ conspiracy that has been responsible for various Hollywood deaths.

You may not have heard this song that he has written about it though.

ii. The Bruce Lee Curse

From an article on Conspirazzi:

“The Triads, a group of organized criminals with ties to the entertainment industry in Hong Kong, China and Taiwan, China, are top suspects in the murder of both Bruce and Brandon Lee. The Triads were angry with Bruce Lee for refusing to work in their movies, and in turn, held a grudge against his son, Brandon. The fact that the Triads had ties with the entertainment industry, only begs more questions. Was Brandon’s murder an inside job? The answer is simply yes, but the explanation is far more complex.”


iii. This Is Not A Conspiracy Theory

Check out this marvellous, episodic web series by Kirby Ferguson (who also made Everything is a Remix) about ‘the dark forces that shape our lives’. Described by the Guardian thus: “With a visual intensity often bordering on the cacophonous, the series occasionally feels like a PowerPoint presentation by the world’s most coked-up history professor.”

(more at:

iv. Yes. You Are Living In The Matrix

The Matrix was released in 1999, bringing the philosophical idea that we are all living in some kind of simulation into the mainstream. Science has now proven that we are all probably living in some kind of x-dimensional hologram and even the likes of Elon Musk state that it is more than likely we are all probably part of some clever aliens version of The Sims.

What really gets the David Icke brigade going is all the coded details apparently built into the Matrix films – the best example being Neo’s driving licence, glimpsed for a second in the interrogation scene – which expires on September 11th 2001 – WE WERE WARNED!


v. The Parallax View Montage Scene

Right in the middle of this brilliant and disturbing 1974 thriller, an investigative reporter played by envelope-botherer Warren Beatty is subjected to a form of audio visual test by the sinister parallax corporation. A kind of reverse Ludovico technique, seemingly designed to work out whether the candidate would make a good political assassin, or possibly some kind of brainwashing technique. There is a really good analysis of this scene by DVD Savant, and you can watch the montage itself via the image below. Please don’t shoot any presidents afterwards.

vi. How To Make Sense Of Conspiracy Theories

If you want to get deep into the subject check out this extensive documentary by Rob Ager.

“Both conspiracy theories and the attempts to debunk them are a minefield of complex ideas that are affected by poor research, personal bias, denial, deliberate disinformation and cherry picking of information. This video offers a detailed study of the subject matter, based on extensive exploration of available documentation.”

vii. Debunking Room 237

Over the years all the conspiracy stuff about Stanley Kubrick directing the moon landings has gone from mildly entertaining to a load of overblown bollocks. The apex of this paranoid nonsense can be found in the documentary Room 237, which tries to tie even small incidental details of the film to a huge international conspiracy in an amazingly annoying way.

From an interview with Kubrick’s assistant and actor Leon Vitali:

Mr. Vitali said he never spoke with Kubrick about any larger meaning in “The Shining.” “He didn’t tell an audience what to think or how to think,” he said, “and if everyone came out thinking something differently that was fine with him. That said, I’m certain that he wouldn’t have wanted to listen to about 70, or maybe 80 percent” of “Room 237.”

Why not?

“Because it’s pure gibberish.”

(Full article:

viii. Jacking It In San Diego

Looking back it is still hard to get to the bottom of that Invisible Children Kony 2012 video and everything surrounding it. Many now think the whole thing was a CIA fronted bit of propaganda to enable the US to deploy troops into an oil and resource rich nation on a phoney humanitarian pretext – a proper conspiracy.

But another more complex question remains: What led the director of the infamous video to go on a naked public masturbation spree on the streets of San Diego? Someone needs to get the Warren Commission back together, or at least the South Park writing team.